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Chalia
See into my World of Madness... If you dare to.
broken_envy
Cos I need to do this, and its what i keep this LJ around for.


I dont expect an easy life.

But from the time I was young, its what was given to me. and 'easy' life. A life of materialism. I was the here kid, have a toy to shut up. Thats what it was like for me, and to an extent, my sister. mum did it the most, dad somewhat. But it was mainly mum who did it.

Shao-Lin came to me, and i recall feeling so happy that there was someone who was like me, but everything that i wanted to be. I still dont know why she came, only that she did. Shadow joined us Latter, and we make a triad. A protection Triad.


After i was dx'd it got worse. In a way, i wish, I wish to god that i had never been told. That i didnt know that i had AS. Life.. would have been easier, and harder.

But i knew that i had it, and it hardly bothered me. Mainly as the adults started to pay me more attention, that i want getting my my classmates. And i liked the attention. It was a kind of love, in a way. Not the love that i crave to this day, but a love nonetheless.

And mum started to get distant, and tell me things. like i was a brat. I am not. I am not lazy. I am not anything that she told me. though years of that kind of stuff has cut deeply. Scared me. Hurt me. Made me vulnerable to those who got into the ice walls that i had brought up to protect me from any more hurt.

But then i got my cat, Jack, and everything changed. I had someone who loved me cos of me, who didnt care that i had melt downs or was frightened of the dark ect. He loved me for me. And when i lost him, it hurt, a lot. I lost a part of me that i'll never get back.

I was given things to shut me up, and i was sheltered a lot. By mum, and by Shao-Lin. Rules i had that my sister didnt. Or she faulted her in a way that i wish that i had the guts to. I think that the last time of a very limited number of times that I stood up for myself.. mum backhanded me and i feel down the stairs. I was 16 at the time, just after we has moved into the new house. Shao-Lin had told me time and tim eagain to stand up for myself.

I learnt that day that standing up to yourself doesnt do any good. It only brought me pain. So i stopped doing it. It wasnt getting me anywhere.

I recall the fact that i had to fight tooth and nail to be able to even control what little money that i started to get from centerlink after i turned 16. $375 a fornight. I bought my own PS2 with it. I was so happy.

And then i started to flaunt the rules like i;d seen zoe do. I stopped within a few months as the gains did not outweigh the risks.

the next time i stood up for myself was when i was 18 and fighting to be seen as an adult. And then i left home, only to end up back home a few months later. Mum wasnt happy, she told me that i was still a kid.

I believed her for the longest time. To much freedom at once is to much, or so she said. But i fought in my own way, and started to grow beyond what she could control.

I know the day that i started was when i stoped taking the meds that i was on. I hated them so much. and I have never looked back. Mum attempted to stuff me back on them time and time again, but I never took the bait.

I have grown, but I remain emotionally distant, as i know that i never really had a mother that i could conect with. She was just there. a bitch really who gave me things, then was distant. My sister stands up for me, but i know that she cares and whats to help me as much as she can, in her own way.

Dad is dad. Dad was the one i went to the most to talk to as a kid. cos he listened without judging, he told me that i am me, that i am a very pretty person.


But despite that, i still have trouble with my emotions. I have them, But i dont know how to handle it. I am learning though. slowly, painfully. But i am learning.

And to me, thats all that maters. I buy things as they make me happy, for a time. And then i need more. Love is what i need. I thought that i had it in skye, until she very publicly broke up with me.. in the school canteen on a very packed day. No warning, just out of the blue, or so it seemed. It hurt as, but i am more or less numb to it right now. Then again, i'm almost always numb now. I miss her love, but i cant get it back. :( So i just have to love on.

Only what i believe and know that i can do ultimately matters. The few close friends that i have know this well. They know the storm that is me.

And the know how to deal with it. Or i hope that they do.

As though I can change, I will still fundamentally be me.

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broken_envy
I can die happy now.

Thank you so much for reminding me of the fun that I had before The Wank and Fight.


And you're right.. They just wanted to start wank over something that they wanted not to share.



Xposted to my other LJ.
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broken_envy
So I'm 21 now...

And i feel so numb as my world has litterally fallen away from me.

I lost my cat, Jack, yesterday. On my birthday.

Unfair? Maybe. But I dont think so.

Cos I think that he's done his job... that he'd taught me to care for another liveing thing. I miss him so much though.

We had to put him to sleep as he was litterally on a dialisis all of friday night as his kidneys had reached end stage failure and it was only found when we took him to the vet for a check up.

We whent and saw him sat morning, and said our goodbyes. he talked to us in his meows, telling us that he hated it and that he was ready to go. I know that he knew what was going on. We have some phots with him.

Then I just said do it. It was over so quicky after that. they took out the drip, and use that to put in the stuff that they use to make them sleep. Its so quick and painless they say. I heard his last breath as it left his lunges, and it freaked me out. It really did. I

I pet him all the time though, and told him that i loved him, and that i'll miss him. I kept petting him right to the end and I was crying when mum had top lead me away from him in the end as i did NOT want to leave him.

I guess it was denial that he was gone now, gone for good. That it would be the last time in a long while that i walked out those doors.


I woke up this moring at 7... and I was crying in seconds as ther was no familar lump at the end of my bed. I ended up crying myself to sleep, again. I didnt gfet up till about 10.00 am.


Now I just have to keep going, put one foot infront of me though my worlds fallen out from under me.

I love skye, yes, but she's not been in my life as long as jack, and i'm sure that she understands. my world, my reason that i was always so happy is pretty much gone now. patting human hair is not like patting a cats fur. at all.

But I will be strong, and I will remember him, but i know that he's want me to be happy, to recall the good times. And I will..

And I have skye to help me.

Just have to find my feet again in an unsteady world right now.

And I know, i know in my heart that when i talk about this, i seems blank, distant and detached. But i'm not. I just dont know who to put the facts any other way. And that hurts the most.


We killed our loniness together, we suffered the good and bad times together.

He was my wonderwall who saved my from myself, and I thank him for that.

And now he's with God. I know that I am not very religious, but thats one thing that I belive in. Is that god up in heaven looks after all of the soulds of every living thing in this world, reguardless of who and what they are.


I will miss you, Jacky-boy, and I will never forget you. And i know that oneday, you will find your way back to me, in whatever guise you take.


RIP Jack. You will be missed.
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broken_envy
Welcome to a world where the air I breathe is mine
There's nothing to overwhelm me and nothing to cloud my mind
Be anyone, do anything I'd ever want to try
Time doesn't exist here

Slip into a world where the air I breathe is mine
There's nothing to overwhelm me and nothing to cloud my mind
Come with me into it and you know what you will find
Time doesn't exist here, we will never die

(Our Own Little World)




I finally told someone.. my dirty little secret that i've hid from everyone as i am so ashamed of this fact. I'd rather it never happened, but it it... The secret is just /how/ close i came to being raped two years ago by a guy *twice my age* when i stupidly went camping with him, alone, on Frasier Is.

And only cos i woke up in a shaking fit from one of the nightmares where I /WAS/ raped and the guy wouldnt listen to me, no mater how freaked out i was. I saw it - in all its detail, it felt so fucking real to me. I felt so violated, so dirty. So used and betrayed. And it didnt help that the guy that fucked with my head in an online relationship that lasted about 6mths was there, twisting everything in his own demented way.

I never told anyone, not even my own mother. How could I tell her that her oldest had made an error and almost paid for it with her virginity? I couldnt. I still cant. I cant even tell my own sister about it.

And it because of that one act, that I push others away if they get to close to me. I freak out, big time and do stupid things. And i honestly hate it. I dont want to, but its a reaction that i cant help. I dont want to be hurt again, so i hurt them first. Cyber rape and being fucked with in head online is one thing, but coming so close to actual rape itself... Is not something that I would wish on anyone.

And this is a secret that i have to keep until I can find a shrink thats willing to talk to me about these issues. I do need to talk to someone, but I'm, so scared of reaching out only to be burnt at the stake for asking for help, no matter how long ago this happened.

Gods above and below, i pray that i'll find the strength to go to a shrink soon.


As I /want/ to get over this hurt so much. I want to move on in my life.




Parts of songs that speak a lot about me and my state of mind. Collapse )
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broken_envy
mmmm...

Sometimes I really do wonder about humans. I don't know why, I just do. I can't help it. I really cant.

Then I think about Myself, and how disorganized I am.

I need to get my old hard drive scrubbed for the Novel file that I have. Most of the other stuff i have backed up in various places so I'm not complaining, not really. I just really, really need that fucking novel file of like 80 typed pages. Or even the first fifty pages. the first fifty would be a REALLY good help, as then i can rewrite scenes that i need to.

Mmm.. I think that i'll ask some of the guys at TAFE about getting files off busted hardrives. might be a waste, but if the files in good shape and i can get it out, then imma gonna do it.


been doing a lot of research of late and started to buckle down again. Its good, means that I will get something done, and soon. I just need to find my inspirational music again [CoughTFScoreandsoundtrackandoldermusicthatshiddencough], and i'm set for novel writing. Nothings gonna stand in my way. Now, if i could find that black USB, i'll be right. ^___^ knowing me, it could be anywhere at all. I might ask mori to help me tonight or tomorrow night, ^___^




in my personal life, things aint good.

My GF is now another EX, and it'll hit me sooner or latter, ive already ranted to mysister many times, so i dont know if imma gonna rant here or not, I might end up posting songs.

In the fandom world, i'm collecting the TF comics and i think that I like Sixshot the most interms of design. hes just plain wicked. got the first two issues of Reign of Starscream and loving that so far, Screamer is like the best right now. XD and TC seem to be diff. XDDD! movie!TC might be my fave seeker. got a few new TF toys - Elita-1 is a bitch to transfomer though, and i want some of the bigger toys, but ... ug. Mum is telling me not to wasit my money of pointless crap.

Hello, woman, you DONT FUVKING CONTOL ME ANYMORE! jesus fucking christ, i hate the fact that she's a control freak with me and i hardly have any say in how i wanna spend my stuff. she just pisses me the hell off. i know that i have bills and debts to pay, but she goes on an on and one about them. and its like shut up woman, I dont need this in my life, fuck, she didnt really like my GF now that i think of it. but i dont care, yea, approvals nice, but she aint gonna choose who i go out with. fuck it all. just... fuck the world right now. I am who I am, and nothings gonna change me. so just deal with it. Love me, hate me, but let me be me. Thats all i want in life.
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broken_envy
Thoughts and what not. Collapse )




Sometimes you wonder if this fight is worthwhile
The precious moments are all lost in the tide, yeah
They're swept away and nothing is what it seems
The feeling of belonging to your dreams

Listen to your heart
When he's calling for you
Listen to your heart
There's nothing else you can do
I don't know where you're going
And I don't know why
But listen to your heart
Before you tell him goodbye


Every time you get up and get back in the race
One more small piece of you starts to fall into place – yeah
‘Cause when push comes to shove
You taste what you’re made of
You might bend ‘til you break
‘Cause it’s all you can take
On your knees you look up
Decide you’ve had enough
You get mad, you get strong
Wipe your hands, shake it off
Then you stand, then you stand


No hell to discover
I’ve got it all inside myself
Salvation you have preached is gone
No way, you can’t turn it around
Falling apart
There’s nothing real
That will convince me to change but I’ll go through



I'll take you by the hand,
And I'll show you a world that you can understand.
This life is filled with hurt,
When happiness doesn't work.
Trust me and take my hand,
When the lights go out you'll understand.
Anger and agony are better than misery.
Trust me I've got a plan.
When the lights go out you'll understand.



More stuffs.. Collapse )





And for my beloved...
I love you, but at times, a song can say more than what i can... Collapse )
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broken_envy




MY LOVER SKYE AND I


WILL HAVE BEEN


TOGETHER FOR 2


MONTHS ON THE 29TH!


GO ME!







Eee.. No, you can't steal Skye from me. She's mine. Get your own girl. She's all mine!


// Random in dead LJ. >__>
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broken_envy
Call me Insane, but this is what I’m taking on for art_100  . ^___^;;;

PS: Any one know who to stop the tables from sitting halfway done the page when ther NOT ment to be?
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broken_envy
life sucks at times.

just one let down after another and i really dont know why i bother at times.

its not my fault im messed up, really.

its Damiens fault.

i let him in and he uses it againast me, playing mind games with me.

i shouldnt trust him, i dont know whay i let him talk to me again.

i think that i felt sorry for him. he said that he'd chamged, yet i dont trust him at all.

i dont trust anyone.

and thers there Sandra, my Ex girlfriend. she dumped me rather harshly and she still carries the bitterness that she used to dump me.

i'm having doubts and i dont know what to do.

more latter.
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broken_envy
Damnit Damien
!

thers a reason that i didnt wanna talk to you, but did i listen to my self?

no! i didnt!

fuck it, no im having my doubts about my chosen path and its ALL YOUR FAULT!

i hate you! i hate you!

it was a mistake! a mistake to talk to you again!

i hate you with all my being!


i will not... i will not let you get a hold over me!



go screw yourself as i dont believe in you any more.


you wont screw me over again.
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broken_envy
I hate this, not being able to say No to anyone.

why do i keep trying to believe that hes changed, when he hasnt.

its becouse im a stupid girl that why. im stupid and foolish and i dont deserve the happyness that i should get,.

but i do. i do deserve to be happy, and with him back in my life..


i dont why i let him talk to me again, when i should have been more of the Ice Queen to him. should have, should have, should have, should have. should have don this, done that. but....

no,,, i cant klook back. ive got to move on.

i can not allow myself to be hurt again.


i say thatm, but then i just slide and fall back into the trap.

i am happy, i am.

i have things that are worth living for, thingsthat are worth fighting for and to say that i dont is false.

but....

i feel so alone.

and i dont want to be alone anymore.

but i am. i havent let anyone get to know me, i mean really know me... not scince she dumped me.

i'm still hurting for that, and i know that she will say good.

but i havent done anything to be deserving of this.


not at all, and i want it to stop.

i try and leave the past alone, let it lay, but this is happening and i am getting scared. i dont know who to turn to, who to trust and i am scared.

yes, me, the one that so proudly sya that im not scared of anythi9ng, is scared.

i am sick of trying to be someone im not and its got to stop.

i cant live in a fantasy world any more. my dreams and such are just dreams. nothing more.

i am not special in any know of way, i dont want to be cought up in some hoobledly gook shit.

i just want to live my life and i will.

I will live my life the way i want to.
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broken_envy


Come and join in the fun and the insanity at TF2007_RPG, an RPG Based on the Movie and G1 series of Transformers.


Claiming post
Rules and the profile
Taken List
OOC Comm

The Allspark is gone. It seems as if the Decepticons are gone. But what if Optimus Prime's call to the other Autobots to join him on Earth was heard not only by his allies but by Decepticons as well?

It's still our world, and it's still their war... and it's far from over yet.

The movies over, but the war is still raging. And things are heating up with the Forces coming to Earth, which side shall you chose? With both sides now facing their own problems, and discontent rife with in the ranks of the Decepticons, the war between factions is starting to spill out and drag humans into the fray, on both sides.

Please note that having a RP LJ is not needed, but it is greatly encouraged as there will be action taking place on them. DO NOT make the RP LJ until you are allotted your character choices. Its first come first serve and ALL levels of RPing are encouraged to join up.

Humans wanted:

Glen Whitman, William Lennox, Sarah Lennox, Trent, Keller, Tom Banachek, Epps, Jorge, 5 or 6 Sector Seven OCs [See here for details], Raul [if you plan on playing him, please see Contact the Tracks RPer as they are NPCing him for now.]

Decepticons WANTED!

Hook, Scrapper, Mixmaster, Scavenger, Long Haul, Bonecrusher{movieversion}
Swindle, Brawl, Blast Off, Onslaught
Shockwave, Ratbat and Bussaw [1], Thundercracker, Dirge, Ramjet, Thrust,
Shrapnel, Kickback, Bombshell - All three are currently under consideration.
Astrotrain, Blitzwing, Octane

[1] these two are able to be picked up along with TWO other larger mechs.

Autobots wanted:

ARCEE is wanted badly~!

CURRENTLY WE ARE NOT TAKING ANY MORE AUTOBOTS UNTIL THE 'CONS HAVE MORE TROOPS. Arcee is trhe exception ONLY


HELD

Megatron

Blackout[w/ Scorponok]

Its not needed to have any knowledge of the prequel stuff or the comics, only G1 and the 2007 movie.

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broken_envy

Done for 1sentence, posted to my LJ and posted on FF.net under the user name Shadowed Chaos

I don’t own anything of the Transformers, if I did, Cade and Bee would have been a cannon pairing and there would have been mech-smex with Cade and Bee.
 

Forgive me if I get any OOC, and yep, hints of Jazz/Bee,  all one sided too. >XD

 

 

Next half will be up within the week and god help me if I dare go and claim Cade/Same OR Cade/Sam/Bee.

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broken_envy
To those that read this..

[will be proofed in the morining, i SWEAR it, im tired, dammit!]

Think what you will of Invidia. slag her and call her a coward, but if ther is one thing that i know, its this:

REAL friends will be ther for you , always, throw thick and think, rain or fire. all of it. they will stay by your side like a banicale, and no matter what you do, they will take it all.

yes, there might be bitterness at the hurtfull things that wher said, but in time, that will fade.

I willingly let Kiya slag my name around, hardly raiosing a protest. why?

i really dont know.

and then she contacts me out of the blue, and at first, fuck yes, i was weary. its sad, but its the thruth.

I still love her, but... distance, drama and hatefull words have put a wall up that i find that i want to breach, but im SCARED of what lays beyound.

thanks to certian ppl, this has happened.

there not a group that encourges friendship, ther a griuop, that i personly have found, would rather distroy them and maniplate both parties.

Im cutting ALL ties with that group. the fuckers are fuckers in my opion. and i dont care if they slander my name or what. im beyound caring.

Kiya, i... i really dont know whats going to happen, but..

i know that I'll stand by your side as long as you let me, even then, you'll find it hard to get rid of me. Your a friend, but theres a wall of bitterness thats going to take sometime to come down. witch is a pitty, but.... its life, ;___;

oh, and UNBLOCK ME FROM COMMENT!

...before i pull out the nuke to nucke the blockade. >__>;;
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broken_envy
Well… yesterday day, my time, was my birthday.

Yup, im 20 years old.

Mum took me to the EKKA [Ekka on Wiki] too for it, and here's some shots.





Other than that, nothing much happened, bar mum got me ticks to see this show. ^__^ im SO HAPPY!




On my birthday, we went an saw the Simpson movie and then had dinner, just me and mum. It was nice. And now mums talking about my 21st. ;___;

I think that i'm scared already.

Oh yea, and I printed out this pic and had my mum guess who it was. >XD She got it right away too. >XD I love my mum and her putting up with my crazyness.

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broken_envy
MWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! i AM a decepticon girl! Fear me!

I AM
63%
STARSCREAM
Take the Transformers Quiz

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broken_envy


Well… Seeing as im bored, and I need some inseperation, both in my writing and my art, I’ve picked up a few challenges and what not. knowing me, Ill end up doing a lot of them for both art and writing. Weee! More stress! Its amazing how well I do WITH stress. * is insane and proud of it. *



For the 100_prompts,

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broken_envy
August 10, 2007 - Leo:

There can be quite a lot that you aren't saying now, but this may stem from what you don't know, rather than anything you consciously withhold. This is unusual, for you are more often the type of person who makes it your business to know everything that's important. But it's possible that something is being hidden from you. Make it your job today to find out what's going on.

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broken_envy
Its always the same these days... im wondering, nothings catching my attention any more and im listening to the same handfull of songs over and over again.

i cant get a person of my mind, and to be frank, i'd rather not. why? couse its all thats keeping my head about the insanity thats in my life. they killed the lonelness in me, yet now its back.

bah, i dhouldnt go on like thbis about one person that i really did love, but fucked up my chance with her.

my body hurts too and i need to go to the docs. i had a blood nose today for no reson at all. the last time i had that was when i was about 6 and my hands wher cover in blood from it.

then again, this is the end of a transtion with Saturn moving into a new star sign. been the hardest two years of my life. three years i think. im not sure. lots of things are happening and im scared. i keep having the same dream as well, what little that i can recall of it - blood, lots of blood and thers panic and screaming and faer as well. it scares me and twice now, ive woken up in a cold sweat.

in other news, ive found my art soul again and im doing likes of drawings, posting some up on DA, some not. im not sure if im going to go back to Y!Gallery at all. i think that i will, eventually, but not right now.

not when nothing feels right. nothing feels right and im always in pain now. Mori says that i NEED to go to the docs, but i have no money.

*sigh* and i'm turning 20 in less than a week. im not going to be a teen any more and thats scaruing me. ive leaving some part of my lif and im scared that ill fuck up the next stage in my life.

* sigh* oh well, ill mange to get throw, i always do. i might have a weeakraor and bite, but i have VERY big will to shine. a will to get wher i want to be going to.


and no, im not posting an art or stuff up on this thing again,. this going to be a jurnal from now on. its my space out here, wher i speak my mind. i really, really dont care if you like me at all. if you dont like me, then doing to read my LJ.

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Well...

this is it,. i'm sheding my skin and leaving the husk that was broken_Envy - im gone. from here. from Live jurnal only that is.

i dont really care any more, im not going to waste any more nights crying of some jack ass of a wimp that cant face ther own fucking fears and leave with me and my stress bringers.

fuick you kiya, i hope that you rott in hell. you got into my heart, past my shields,. i opened up, let you see me for who i was and then you do this,

your not worth the pain to my heart.

i can live with the numbness. i can live with the bitterness that you left in your wake,

i hope that you destroy everything good in your life, i really do.

you say that you distroy all you touch? well, its true.

you distroyed me, my heart. i made the mistake of letting you in. i opened the gates, so to speak.

say what you want, say what you want. i really dont care. no any more, not when nights of sleepless have become common with me.

becouse of you. all becouse of you.

so,. go, run along. live by your fears and such, ill only grow stronger from this point on wards. im facing mine, fuck, mori was right - and yes, im posting that transcript up. im feeling like a little bitch, one of the last things that ill do.

cose im gone from Live Jurnal. ill be around on DA, maybe, maybe even Y!Gallery - maybe not. i dont care for Y!Gallery any more. it was fun while it lasted.

so, run along, go, just go.

hate me if you wish, i dont hate you, i just feel numb. and rather stupid for letting you in.


it was nice knowing ya, but.... times change, you couldnt cope, so you RAN! and ppl say that im the fucking coward. well, your an even bigger coward than me. at lest i try and stand up to myself and not bow do to others, regardless of what it it is.

but that doesnt matter now. you wont heard from me EVER agian.

just know this. i could have been the best thing in your life, but you destroyed that, i had a part in it as well, but i let you see the real me.

big mistake, but whats done is done, and by chance should you read this, dont bother trying to get into contact with me. i wount respond to you all al, or to anyone.

im gone.

i have bigger shit coming my way that i need to train my shadows for, just so that i stand chance in the battle that comeing up.

oh, wait, you might not belive that and sya that im fucking crazy.

what ever. think what you want, truth seer. but know this. the times coming when you will HAVE to pick a side.

you cant stay neutral forever, Sandra.


bie lao~.
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broken_envy
Oh Kiya... Sandra....

you dont know how baddly you have just hurt me - to the point of tears.

i waited all of monday, my time, just to tell you something. you never showed. i shurgged it off, then decied to cheack your LJ the next day.

i found that and i was in tears.

you dumped me me, and i cant say that i understand why, but i can have a guess... couse im to over bearing... to much of myself.


i will say this now, though i doubt that you will belive me. why belive me when They have ther claws into you? when ther influancing you?

i never used you.

why is that so hard to say when its the truth? couse the accation that i did, hurts. i do not use poeple. i may want to, but i dont. its not in my nature to use ppl and frankly...


it doesnt matter,.,, all that matters is that you hurt me... and im scared.

your right you know... your fears of destroying whats precious to you is real.

gods.... if only... if only i hadnt been so... so pig headed and not scared to feath of what i was feeling... then maybe... ,aybe i could have been more open/

i...i..i..i love you... i... i really do.

and thats why, last night my time, i had mori do a reading. a reading of you, from a pic of. and she did a reading of nother person..

but... im at lest going to give you a chance to see the reading in privet, please, respond here and then IM and and ill send it to you.

it was a real eyeopener to me, to show me just how much you ment to me. you mean the world to me...

and... i am really, really truely sorry that i ever hurt you if at all, as i never ment to.

all that i am asking is just an hour in IM with you, nothing more, nothing less. I gave you a chance, so the least that you can do, is give me a chance. thats all im asking.

after that, if you still think its all bullshit, ill be gone from your life.

but iot wont stop me from loving you know that i know that i do. nothing will. you can hate me if you want, but i will not hate you.

couse i .... cos i... i.. i love you...
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well, being that i wasnt on at all to day, i was drawing in my art pad, hers some crappy webcam pics as there mostly still WIPs. most of them that is. Not f-locked its not actual scan in of the art. ^__^

as always, comments are welcome.

Rift jumpers Vallerie and Xavier.Collapse )
Rhys, Alexis, Gareth and Azzy[Azriel]Collapse )Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
poses bunnied off who knows where.

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Well... ive done it, ive hit rock bottum in my life and nothing ing bloody working any more. not my anime, not anothing.

I feel like im being boxed in and i miss kiya. i miss her as... to me... shes a good friends. a very good friend.

i relieze now tha the pain of being hurt by Him goes deeper than i thought, and I am not ready - not by a long shot - ready to start up anothing like a realtion ship - AT ALL. thers might tell me diffantly, but i know myself and i know that im not ready.

i wont be ready untill i know its time and then it all will happen. you cant push for something, not if the other person is taking ten stepes back for each steep you takle.

i know that my life is fucked up, but its my lofe, i know myself better thn the lot of you.  caouse i am me and i dont give a shit any more what others think of me.

i amyseld and thats all the ther is to it.

i am an anime fangirl - i have my muses, my main ones, my two Roys, my Fem!Archer, my Kimblee, my ed muse and my greed muses.  Ive alos ways worked on the fact that my roys mother is Xinging and this his father is Amestrian. always.  it hardly ever crops up though, but thats asit not hardly needed, but its there. my greed is from the south of Amestris, how ever you speal that contrys name. my Archer is opure blooded Amestrian and my Kimblee has a bit of Xingina blood in him, though more Amestrain. Kimmys great gran mother was Xing.


 i also need more music and bah - maybe ill go work on that naruto/FMA stuff that i have planed.  dont know yet,.


and yes, i know that my speelings shit, but dont tell me,. i dont care at this point.

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Current Mood: apathetic apathetic

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Ok, so i was taking
that can be found here and i was listening to Deathstars Last Ammunition and play God. and it got me thing.

i really did. like on what it means to me. I know that im not the best, and i know that i aint perfect. i wanna play god at times, and i wanna be a killer at times. im lost and confused, and i cant settle for just one person. i dont know hy, i just cant.

i like someone, but only as a friend, and im going to tell her., i cant right now, as her nets down. and to tell her over KJ would be rude, i think. but i might end up having to. and i dont want to,. but.... *sighs*

my life is a mess right now - Covens dead at the moomet, and im lonely. add to the fact that Aya's just dumped a pair of Kimblee/Fem!Roy twins on me - and some other kids of hers - i have to draw them. *sighs* og well. it'll give me something to do over the weekend. ill sketch then out and all that. but still - what am i? the artist for all my freinds? fuck, i still have to fishe up that Katlyn and Ryan arts too. and draw or attemt to draw some porny of Edvness and g/k, k/r and a/r stuff. aand do a sasunarita three some pic. *sighs* andy one know any refs for that kind of stuff?

and then im up doing a bit of art in frount of the TV, and my cat decided that hes going to sit on me! not funny! oh well, i got a few ideas for arts from TV too, so im happy, just have to find the f'ing time to sketch then all.

monday ill upload all the sketches and let you guys vote on witch ones to colour, ok?

oh well, time to go find more memes to take. ^___^

i might do a mass Zodii cast meme sooner or latter. just have to find wher the fuck my sister stuck my note book now. ;___; and i still have to go and tag everything in my LJ - minus a few things and such.

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Well, ive not being doing much the last few days - mostly in covens - sometimes in name only, but meh.



Ive been chatting with lana a lot lattly - and its getting harder to deny my feelings of lust/love for her. it its more just mutal need really, but im not sure, and i dont really care, what works, works. but i cant aact on them.

as much as i want to, i cant. and it stings as back in the past, me, lana and Fen wher inpartable. we wher a trio and we did play together at times and it was nice, ive cybered with Fen in the room before, and no one really cared - well, He did, but i dont care hwat He things any more, hes no longer part of my life.


I want to cyber with my friends, but i dont want to couse fights tween kiya and I, yet... i think that i know wher i stand with her, i just feel a very strong freindship with her with a hint of lust.  its becomeing clearer to me thats what it is really,.

and... im not really a one operson girl. i just cant be a one person girl. im more a pioly girl and im a bi. i cant live and thrive in a restricting relationship. i just cant.

when i was with  Damien, i was let do what i want, with how i wanted, as long as i kew my place with Him.  if he wanted me, he got me, other wise, i was alowayed to be myself. and i was happy like that.  yes, he might have hurt me and such with his own behind my back cheating m but he atlest let me bemyself and wasnt... clingy.

i did feel a tinge of envy when he was with Brand, but i knew about that and i was fine with it. brands a freind and me and her cybered a few times. im not going to lie - i enjoyed it and i enjoyed the threesoom with me, her and Damien. even if i was pulled into it a bit reluctantly, i was happy. it felt - it felt right. the threesome that is.


and now im starting to get back into my niche in covens and others are worrying for me as im not normally this reseved in covens,. i have been known to be wild at times, flirting and leading the guys on with my tricks. but i cant - im scared that words going to get out and reach Kiya.

kinda pathic really. i mean, i like her as a freind, but,.,, i think thats all. orginally i freinded her as i was looking for more roleplayes, but... she grew on me as a friend and hel;ped me to open up again, and im glad for that,  i really am.  i just... i just see her a freind more than anything now. yes, thers a tiny bit of lust there, but...

im not going to act on it - as i... i dont like clingy ppl. they feel soffacting to me really and i cant deal with that. i cant dea,l with it being full on 24/7.

but, im going to wait a bit longer, just to make sure that what im feeling is right this time. i dont want to lose a freind ship couse of this. 

just like ill hod back my desires for some of my good freinds, like Aqua, Lana, Brand...

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Well... seeing as im bunnied for stuff - fics and art over on Y!gallery and here, heres a lifst of what ive got to do. ^____^

Things Y!gallerys 100 list.


20_inkspots's Magic and the Occult Themes
Underlined is WIP for me.

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My DNA report - huh?







You are an Idealist

As an IDEALIST, you are distinctive for your integration of confidence, imagination, willingness to explore, and desire for competence over style.

You have a strong capacity to comprehend the inner workings of things, finding new ideas and innovative insights to feed your curious nature.

You are quite comfortable in the realm of abstract thought. You don't need a practical solution to every one of life's questions.

You are comfortable with the decisions you make in life. You don't need to second-guess yourself, or seek a lot of opinions before you make up your mind.

You enjoy the routines that you have created in your life, and don't feel the need to shake things up just for the sake of change.

You generally succeed at what you do, and others would describe you as successful.

It is important to you that products be efficient – looking good has to come second to working well.

You aren't the kind of person who needs to collect stylish items in an attempt to create an attractive environment – you know that what matters most is function, not style.
If you want to be different:

You take time to explore your own thoughts and ideas, but this experience would only be heightened if you opened yourself up even more to others' ideas.

Your faith in yourself and your lifestyle is well-founded, but the occasional foray into the unknown might broaden your perspective and help you see things differently.
how you relate to others


You are Faithful

Your trust in others, respect for tradition, and caring nature make you FAITHFUL.

Maintaining a few intimate relationships is more important to you than knowing a lot of people, and you share a lot with your close friends.

Those who have managed to get close to you value your camaraderie, and they know that they can trust you with anything; you're a good listener.

While you can usually see several sides of an argument, you often have a strong opinion as to which side is correct—the order of things is usually clear to you.

Your perspective on the world is based on careful observation, and you know a lot about how people feel in—and react to—many situations.

Your exploration of others' feelings has led you to believe that although people generally act appropriately, having clear social rules is very important to a functional society.

Time alone for reflection is important to you—you are introspective and aware of your own feelings.

Faithful is as faithful does—you expect those with whom you are close to be loyal to you, and you take betrayal of your trust very seriously.
If you want to be different:



Some of the alternate perspectives that you understand may have more value than you give them credit for—keep in mind that right and wrong aren't always so clear-cut.

While you are able to reap the benefits of your time alone, and may see interacting with a lot of people as more tiring than exciting, remember that there is a lot to be learned from experiencing things and not just reflecting on them.

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ok...

why the fuck an i so... bored? disinterested in life right now?

oh, i know, its as i have no Kiya here and its borning with out her.

with out her, my mind starts to slip back to Him, back to who i was early last year.

and i dont want that reminder of the pain that i put others thru. others that cared for me.

my friends in the Coven... i hurt some of them big time i know. i was such a little fool then. i still am at times.

and it hurts to know that. but im glad that i have them. thers true friends. they stayed with me through thick and thin and they got to know me. they got under my sheilds, under the ice queen that i was.

Aqua, Lana, Bear, Fenrir, DN, angel, puppet, mori, Demon, Brand.... ther all my close frineds. they stayed by my side.. and then i upoped and left them.

i had to, He was leading me down a path that didnt wanna go down. so i had to leave, i had to quite cold turky on him, it was my only choice really. then i had to battle my inner demons, the night mares that i had. i still have them at times.

and the headaches that i recieved in the first few weeaks. they wher so bad that i couldnt think straight. litterally. and now that i have returned, ther back. hes trying to lure me back to him, i know. and im scared. my shield is helping, but its not enough, i need to start boosting it and soon. i need to get my black obsidan that i need baddly,. real baddly.

itts only going to get harder from here on it, and i can only hope that i have my friends suport. i know that im going to need it.

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Ok, so I've passed unit one of my course, thats good. Now i'll be starting on unit two sometime to day as dads payed for it already. ^____^

I also have a bunch of stuffs to do before then, so ill focus on getting the other arts out first then while im doing my school work, there wont be much arts out. ^___^

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Easter was good - See Ryans LJ for more details. >XD

School is borning, yet i ahve to go. gfot to pick up my grades before mum and dad lose patience with me and send me off to a boot camp or something like that.

that would so NOT be fun.

I like it in school. i have my groupies - Rickie, Anthony, Joshua and Kamilah - all ove whom ive fucked in the past and cheated on. >XD

and i have my current fuckbuddie, my red head. hes so cute and makes me wanna fuck him into the ground. but i might break him - im more ways than more. it sucks being a half sin atimes. but og well.

im doing ok in school - Anthony lets me cheat off him. so will most kids in my grade - its fun having my last name. Kimblee. hehe... a LOT of the kids are faerfull of it, must be something to with my mum bineg the Crimson alchemist or something. not that i really care. much.

other than school, im also grounded. that sucks ass, and i think that Avas starting to watch me closely again, what the hell is her probblem? its not like im going to dump 'lexis any time soon. yet. and im grounded, so i cant really GO anywhere.

bah, but then again, shes been thing a lot lattly. oh what ever, if its important, shes bring it up - if not, it'll go away fairly soon.

or so i hope. Shes WAY to young to be thinking about datting,. even if i was younger than her when i first lost my virgintly.

anyways, got to get off. Ryans bugging me to use thing thing, and i need the phone before he gets on to it again, i swear, all he does is yabber to Zac.

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Well, to say that Easter when smoothly would be an understatement, as it did not.

All was fine in the morning. I rose from my slumber and dressed - in my riding outfit of course. I did my hair up in a nice bun - not to sloppy and not to to tight. I was dressing to impress as always. I have to - I am an Archer - the first born Archer, even if I am not a male. Superficial or not, I am who I am - an Archer by blood.

Once we arrived at the Hakura Club, we were met by the Hawkeye-Havocs. Little Elisa took an instant liking to Francis, who was rather quite shy around her. My poor brother. But I suppose that it is only natural as he is still in an all male privet elementary school.

Charlton, I believe, is not that keen on Bianca, but they are starting to warm up to each other. That is good, even if if was arranged by father. but I do suppose that he only desires the best for Charlton. After all, my brother is the first born male.

We went for a horse ride, and, surprisingly enough, Francis stayed on his horse. Father and mother were both so pleased about that, as was Charlton, though I believe that he was more impressed with Biancas' riding skills.

After the riding, we headed into the club for lunch. Lunch was nice. It was a roast meat of some kind, provided by the Halaway Family, the clubs finest hunters. I enjoyed it, and mother and Mrs Hawkeye-Havoc chatted away, much to Fathers embarrassment at times, and Mr Hawkeye-Havocs.

After lunch, Bianca, Charlton and I mingled. Being the Fuhrers daughter has its perks and its drawbacks. Lisandre, the Eldest of the Comache siblings at 24, attempted to sweet talk me again. I politely pointed out that i am not interested, thank you. I quite like another person. he asked me who, and I told him that it was not his business. Then nerve of him, my love life is not for open talk. and I know that if his youngest sister, Rhianna ever got hold of who I like, I would find myself in a VERY difficult situation. That woman is such a gossip.

I introduced Bianca to Paige and Mathias and their father Bartholomew Halaway. Mr Halaway is one of father’s generals. One of the only ones that I like as a person. Matthias is nice as well, but he is enamored with Ducia Cristenburge, a woman from North City.

I left Charlton and Bianca to talk with the trios and I mingled some more. Until one of the Southern guests, Abigail Samir, insulted my hair. My hair of all things. She called it a birds nest. the nerve of her! i spent at least 40 minutes doing it to make it look perfect thank you very much. Did she know who my father was? No, and she did not care even when I told her my name. She is spoilt, but she is the daughter of the famous Southern model, Mrs Lust Samir. So, I shall not waste my breath on a half-ishballan girl. Oh, I know that she is ishabllan blooded, her eyes are red and they are not the red of a Grans eyes. Now, if that was the end of my worries, I would be happy. But it is not.

Alexandria was in tears by the time that we left. Apparently she had a run in with that Gran heir, Raymond. He is vile and rude and very much arrogant. I am glad that I am not related to him. He is also prejudiced, much like his father and grandfather, the late Brasque Gran. Such a nasty boy. Apparently, what he did was insult not only Alexandria’s name and her style of dress and hair, but herself as well.

Mother told Alexandria not to worry, that there well be people like that. Father was very much furious and there was a stern warning sent to the Grans to keep their son away from his daughter.

I swear that I saw Raymond smirking as we left, but It could have been that he had reduced Alexandria to tears.

After Easter, it was back to school. I am starting to open up more around others and lose my Ice Queen mask to achieve more with my classes, though I do so hate cooking, but, it shall help me in the future as i am told, so I shall suffer it,

I have started too sit with Sean at times, and he with me. Though I fear that he feels outcasted amongst my own social group. Most of who are only friends me with because of my fathers status. And when I sit with him, I do feel outcast at times. I was raised to be a proper lady, so it is hard to fit in, but I do do my best. Sean doesn’t seem to mind though. I do not know why.

I have also been on three dates with him though it hard to at times. I must sneak out of the house from time to time. I - I am enjoying myself with him, so I suppose that is good. It - it is also nice to be seen for myself and not as a way to get close to my father or gather favour with him. I have also started to wear my hair down more - in a sorts. I believe that Sean likes it like this, so - I shall leave it.


There have also been rumors of war, but I am not sure, Father does not say much about it. I believe that he does not wish to upset mother, who is three or four months with child. Father is very happy, though it did come as a shock.

I do hope that is a little sister.

And now I must go. I do have homework to attend to.

~~~ Calista Alathea Archer.

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Current Location: Archer Manor

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WEEL!

ive passed my first unit of school work with flying colours,. all competent. thats good. means that i can move onto the next unit. ^___^

i did a bit of colouring today - not much, Thursday and Friday will be my main coloring days - i hope to get all the art that i drew on the bus up to Bundy colored by this weekend, even if means pulling a few all nighters.

i drew Kiyas Hakuro kids to day - and their personality's are starting to suggest themselves strongly in the pics. but ill talk to kiya and see what she thinks - it may change or may not.

I did a pic of Alex and Raymonds kids and its over on my dA account. the males are up on my y!gallery account. Im starting to think that along with Tristan hitting on Az, Caesar will as well. not yet sure on that one. ill do an art post latter on tonight with whats been don so far. and soon ill be starting to post imaged onto other places as well, so stay tuned for where all thats going. ^___^

i dont know if ill be on at all tomorrow - but Kiya, we have to finish the fourth of july RP bits.

ive updated zachary_elric's LJ for Easter and up to the fourth of july, im working on Calista and Rhys LJ entry's as well.  once thats all done, then ill bugg Kiya about updating Ryans LJ.

this weekend i plan to be very busy with my art - i hope to get the family pics of all the current guys done. i have my model that i drew, so ill just use that for most of them. ^____^

i also got to talking with another person on AIM and LOL! she got started on her sec gen stuff BEFORE That group even conceived of it. >XD well, the planing stages for the fic that shes writing over on FF.net.

but meh, im going off line for a bit. jobs to do and what not.

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Current Music: Within Temptation - stand my ground.

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coming back from up the street, i saw a pair of magpies. ^___^

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He was in for a bit just now,. we didnt exchange any words. but oh god did i freeze up when i saw His name on the scroll in Covens.

Tacos mans having an affair as well. por girl. i hope that everything turns out for the best.

well, im going to art some more. ^___^ and probly sit down and write a fic as well. ^___^

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well... i had a scare in Covens this morning.

He was in there, i was dong some of my school work and when i looked back in, i say His name on the list.

I frooze, and then i pulled up Lanas yim window for a security blankie, then when AFKish. after i had told myself that i was SAFE, i started to take again in the room.

we only exchanged a few words, and i was civil as was he. but it was hard. im just still so scared of him.

i hate the feeling of fear that he brings back in me. i can litteraly feel his aura, and it makes me so scared at times.

im just glad that Kiyas in the coven now with me and that shes there. it makes me feel safer.

it really does.

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Current Mood: anxious anxious

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Ok, so im sitting here with my heater on, in Covens, chatting with random passerbys and going though my LJ tagging enterys.

now im starting to wish that i wasnt, as its getting me wrilled up again.

god knows that it was stupid, but.. the past is the past and i really shouldnt let shit over a bunch of names get to me.

i shouldnt. but i do.

ive been f-locking my stuff now so that now one can go off at me. i dont like that at all. couse it just makes me whant revenge, and im not allowed to have those kinds of thoughts. not at all.

why? as then it upsets the balance in me and stars to bring forth ShaoLin AKA Zhao, the darkness in me. and that would be bad. she doesnt like to be disturbed at all that much, but it happens from time to time.

i deal with it though, i have to. just like i have to deal with bein a gt a meduim and other stuff of top opf being a shadow walker.


somedays its not far that this all happens to me, but then i think that its my blessing and my curse. i need need to buy new gloves and soon, i cant keep avoicing touching stuff thats not mine.

i also wanna get a reading by mori done for me, but... the times not right yet. i have to wait a bit longer still.

i also what mori to take a look at kiya - im worried about her. im scared for the person that i have feelings for. though i dont know what yet, i just know that i really, really like her. a lot.

im scared at times by it as its strange for me. but ill work it out. i always do.


Lana, Bear and Faerie friended me tonight and im going to see if i can get DN to - when and if i see her at all.

and value and i trust them with my lives... and i just want them top see me for who i am. really, in all aspects of my life.

Fish called me wise, as did rose. but am i really? i mean, all i am is myself and i say it how i see it.

thats how i am...

but anyways, i hope that DN or Angel are on tonight before i have to run of at like three AM in the morning.

doesnt matter though, ill leave a message on DN's yim with my LJ link.

anyweays, im in a good mood, so ill leave you all with some songs to grab from here.


Killingloneliness by H.I.M, All that i've got by the Used. and Feel by Robbie Willaims

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Yabked from Lanas [lady_sabrina's] LJ.




I think this is true.

Don't scroll immidately down, answer first then scroll down.


THIS ONE ISN'T A JOKE, IT ACTUALLY HELPS YOU FIGURE OUT A COUPLE OF KEY THINGS,

Either grab a writing utensil and something to write on, or just remember your anwers.

Apparently this is 99.9% TRUE

Don't peek at the answers, cause it ruins it.









1)If your Straight write the first name of a person of the opposite
sex that pops into your head,

if your Gay write the name of the person of the same sex that pop's into your head,

if your Bi write the name of the first person that pop's into your head....
(it has to be the first)





2) Which is your favorite color out of
red, black, blue, green, yellow?






3) Your first initial?








4) Your month of birth?








5) Which color do you like more, black or white?









6) Name of a person of the same sex as yours.









7) Your favorite number?







8) Do you like California or Florida more?








9) Do you like the lake or the ocean more?









10) Write down a wish. (A realistic one).










ARE Y0U D0NE?
iF S0 SCR0LL D0WN.
(D0N'T CHEAT... fool...)
.
..
...
....
.....
......
.......
........
.........
..........
...........
..........
.........
........
.......
......
....
...
..
.
THE ANSWERS

1. You are completely in love with this person.

2. If you choose:

Red - You are alert and your life is full of
love.

Black - You are conservative and aggressive.

Green - Your soul is relaxed and you are laid
back.

Blue - You are spontaneous and love kisses
and affection from the ones you love.

Yellow- you are a very happy person and give
good advice to those who are down.


3. If your initial is:

A-K You have a lot of love and friendships in
your life.

L-R You try to enjoy your life to the maximum
and your love life is
soon to blossom.

S-Z You like to help others and your future love
life looks very good.


4. If you were born in:

Jan-Mar: The year will go very well for you and
you will discover that you fall in love with
someone totally unexpected.

April-June: You will have a strong love
relationship that will not last long but the
memories will last forever.

July-Sep: You will have a great year and will
experience a major life changing experience for
the good.

Oct-Dec: Your love life will not be too great,
but eventually you will find your soul mate.

5. If you chose...

Black: Your life will take on a different
direction, it will seem hard at the time but
will be the best thing for you, and you will
be glad for the change.

White: You will have a friend who completely
confides in you and would do anything for you,
but you may not realize it.


6. This person is your best friend.

7. This is how many close friends you have in
your lifetime.

8. If you chose:
California: You like adventure.
Florida: You are a laid back person.

9. If you chose:

Lake: You are loyal to your friends and to your
love. And you are very reserved.

Ocean: You are spontaneous and like to please
people.

10. This wish will come true only if you RE-POST THIS BULLETIN
in one hour and it will come true before your next birthday

repost with the title 99.9% true

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Well, when i first got back to the Coven, Lana asked me to do some art for her, so here it is.

its just the rough under base, and i have to fix up a few things, but ill do that in opencanvas/GIMP work.

and my scanner sucks ass.
LadyLana69 and Eternal_Shadows. XD I snuck in as well. XDCollapse )



And heres some art that i showed Kiya this morning. >XD i am SO Evil at times.
Mmm... The guys in skirts - Rhys! stop posing!Collapse )

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Your Rising Sign is Capricorn

Old fashioned and conservative, you carry yourself with dignity.
You have a tough exterior, and you can be intimidating when you want to be.

Hard working and ambitious, you can survive in the most cut throat work enviroments.
Outside of work, you are a true friend to everyone in your small inner circle.

You may have had a difficult time earlier in life.
Capricorns are late bloomers and you may be coming into your own right now.

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broken_envy


updated my profile. you can find it here.

but im happy now with it, it says who i am. it is me to the core.

yea, im a passive aggressive bitch, but that is who the fuck i am and i have just in the last week at Covens, been reminded that i have those that care for me.

Lana, Bear, DN, Angel - the old gang that i knew back in 2006. well, some of them. Demon died and fenrir is... hes MIA. the Lord of the Coevn is MIA and Lady Lana misses him,. i miss him as well.

ill be blunt - im not going to hide it any more, im a witch. well, not really,. im more of a shadow walker - a type of witch that works with the shadows of the earth umbra - her shadow really, believe it or not, its no skin off my back if your to closed minded. Im also a medium and i have a nother gift that i hate, but its part of me. ask if you want to know what it, thou 'll probably tell sooner or latter.

even if you are, chances are that ill whine about in covens. heh, i have a rep on ther for being who i am, and for not changing.

i have made a few new friends, Remeb is one of them. im getting a reading done by mori tonight i hope and i MIGHT post it up here, maybe maybe not. depends on whats said in it.

anyways, im gone, im in the Covens - not that you guys need know where it is. XD

you wouldn't like it anyways.

ill have some art up latter on in the new few days.

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broken_envy


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EH?

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broken_envy


Well, today was intresting.

said from it being very cold.

i had to go into Brookside this morening to go to Centerlink there to get a new consesion card - i lost my other one, and while i was waiting, ther was a freaking poweroutage, i stood there dumply untill i was told that i had to come back when the power was back on. two hours away.

so i whent into brookside and got a hot drink and dooled in my not book a bit.

this is what i drew.




Random heads.Collapse )
Archer boys head. Collapse )
Adult Sean and Zachary.Collapse )

She is a singer.Collapse )

then, after i drew those, i headed back Centerlink and got my card. then i got the milk and then i got home on the bus.


Ok, off to finish getting stuff ready. Ugg,,, time lines to do with all the main Hunter group as well. uggies.

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broken_envy

Well - seeing as i went through and re-read ALL of the Hunter rp, heres a whos who list of whos who,. >XD

beware also:

We got greedy and forced our Edvy pairings into once world. >XD


MHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!



oh AND there have been various cross overs with other FMA worlds of mine and Kiyas. >XD

and there WILL be art coming up. as soon as i draw it.

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broken_envy
Ok, so being bored and surfing the web, i went to a few quizzes and took them.

heres my results.

Personality Disorder Test Results
Paranoid |||||||||||||||| 66%
Schizoid |||||||||||||||||||| 90%
Schizotypal |||||||||||||||||||| 90%
Antisocial |||||||||||| 42%
Borderline |||||||||||| 50%
Histrionic |||||||||||||||| 66%
Narcissistic |||||||||||| 50%
Avoidant |||||||||||| 50%
Dependent |||||| 30%
Obsessive-Compulsive |||||||||||||||| 66%
Take Free Personality Disorder Test
personality tests by similarminds.com



Advanced Global Personality Test Results
Extraversion |||||||||| 33%
Stability |||||||||||||| 60%
Orderliness |||||||||||||| 56%
Accommodation |||||||||||| 50%
Interdependence |||||||||| 36%
Intellectual |||||||||||||||| 63%
Mystical |||||||||||||||||||| 83%
Artistic |||||||||||||||||||| 90%
Religious |||||||||| 36%
Hedonism |||||||||||||||| 70%
Materialism |||||||||||||| 56%
Narcissism |||||||||||||||| 63%
Adventurousness |||||||||||||||| 70%
Work ethic |||||||||||||||||||| 83%
Self absorbed |||||||||||||||||| 76%
Conflict seeking |||||||||||| 50%
Need to dominate |||||||||||||||| 63%
Romantic |||||||||| 36%
Avoidant |||||||||||||||| 70%
Anti-authority |||||||||||||||||| 76%
Wealth |||||||||||| 50%
Dependency |||||||||||| 43%
Change averse |||||||||||||||||||| 90%
Cautiousness |||||||||||||||||||| 83%
Individuality |||||||||||||||||||| 90%
Sexuality |||||| 23%
Peter pan complex |||||||||||||||| 70%
Physical security |||||||||||||||||| 76%
Physical Fitness |||||||||||||||| 64%
Histrionic |||||||||||||||| 63%
Paranoia |||||||||||||||| 70%
Vanity |||||||||||| 43%
Hypersensitivity |||||||||||||||||||| 83%
Indie |||||||||||||| 56%
Take Free Advanced Global Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com




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Your personality type is RCOEI
You are reserved, calm, organized, egocentric, and intellectual, and may prefer a city which matches those traits.
The largest representation of your personality type can be found in the these U.S. cities: Salt Lake City, Washington DC, Austin, Denver, Portland/Salem, Reno, Greensboro, Tucson, Minneapolis, Indianapolis, Raleigh/Durham, Greenville/Spartanburg and these international countries/regions Czech Republic, Croatia, Russia, China, Romania, Brazil, Germany, Slovenia, Switzerland, Israel, Poland, Taiwan, France, Caribbean, Guam, Mexico
What Places In The World Match Your Personality?
City Reviews at CityCulture.org



RCOEI 

withdrawn, not wild and crazy, private, loner, not relationship obsessed, not swayed by emotions, insensitive to the needs of others, unhelpful, interested in intellectual pursuits, avoidant, does not put the needs of others ahead of self, thinks before acting, very scientific, not upset by the misfortune of strangers, avoids small talk, values solitude, private, does not get worked up about most things, fearless, unaffected by the suffering of others, calm in crisis, not easily excited, won't do much to avoid rejection, not known for generosity, not easily confused, cold, not prone to complimenting others, dislikes most people but tries to get along to minimize hostility, hard to get to know, more dominant than submissive, not easily hurt, driven by reason, influenced more by self than others, rarely worried, hard to impress, not that interested in relationships, hard to influence, not concerned about failing when trying something new, self confident, knows why they do things, not easily moved to tears, not prone to jealousy, not guided by moods.

Er -- PARDON? things in bold - done by me - i would like to say are FALSE! - at least to me they are.

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broken_envy
ok, just an image dump of sorts.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
My hat that the Chibi gave me - she got it as she knows of my obsession with DarthVader. damn i love this hat.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
Me with my hair kinda up and in my briggs jacket. ^____^ my WINTER OUTSIDE AND INSIDE-WHEN-THERES-NO-HEATER jacket.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
it comes down past my knees. and its so WARM!


and now i'm off to do stuffs.

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broken_envy
ok, heres the rest of the thing about my stay at the Chibis.

We had fish and chips for lunch as we couldnt be bothered to walk all the way to the Sandgate shops - read i whined a bit - the most expy thing was Chibis Steak burger at like almost $8. my combines food total of price was like $9 and then you add in the drinks so it was all up around $22. and i had to pay for it, im not complaining, i just didnt expect it to eat up all my money. oh well.

we walked home and then we watched tenshi muyo - good show, not that im getting into it.

after that, i had some good chats with Karen. shes starting Chemo for her breast cancer soon, and boy she she optimistic about pulling through it. but then again, thats Karen,. she always looks on the bright side of things. i mean. Micks got NF as well, the same the Chibi, and shes just naturally optimistic.

she told me really good advise as well. 'you cant be strong if those that are behind you are playing musical chairs with you. you have to find that one group of ppl that are firmly behind you, no matter what and then you will be stronger.' and Karen means it,. i mean, shes known me all my life practically as shes a good friend of mums, and i have known the Chibi from when she was a baby.

anyways, after dinner, the Chibi and i talked a bit about random stuffs and then latter we watched cowboy bebop. then it was bed.

the morning was uneventful - i hate OMG Breakfast for once, then i drew a bit but nothing worth showing as most of the pages are used up with older drawings that i dated, but never signed. i might show those off.

after lunch it was time to go home,. me and Jk where dropped at Sandgate station and we headed home. train was boring really.


and that was my weekend.

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broken_envy
well, im back at home and when im not to lazy, ill update my LJ with a back looged entery of what esle happened.


but for now, i have work to do, timelines to type up, Naruto to download and lots of other nice stuff.

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broken_envy


just an update from where i am right now - over at my chibis house for a sleep over.



not much has happened, but i have found myself again. i have found myself and who i am really am, thats all im going to say for now other than that i am starting to go back to normal.

i found out that my chibi wears glasses as well, and i have promised her that if she is wearing them then full time by 16th aug - my birth day - i'll give her fifty dollars.

the reason that im doing this is to help her. i dont want her to lose her sight latter in life 'cause of this, so she has to wear them.

yes, it will feel strange for her, but she has to get used to it,

she like me, is a megane-wearer. [megane means glasses in Japanese.]

she also has NF and so shes teased a lot about it. but she thinks really negativity about it was well, so it doesnt help. she has to turn her view of it around, to think positively and not let any hateful things get her down.

i used to be VERY negative about my AS, but then i decided that screw the world, im not going to let any one get me down, ill go my own way. my way or the high way. and i have gone my way. i have been off the Sertraline [zoloft] and the ritilin for a good two years now and im fine. im naturally optimistic, so it helps.

there is no cure for NF, no drugs that can managed it, so its all in her mind trhat she cant do good at things. but she can, i know that she can. and i will not let any one say other wise.

Chibi is really good at sose and maths and science - or so she tells me, and i think that she should focus on that and do her best on things that shes good at. and not worry about the other things, it doesnt matter if your not the best at such and such like sport or Phys Ed. if you have strengths that lay else where, then you should go for it.

i dont care of she she not the best, but she is my chibi and i will push and encourage her to excel in things that she is good at.

and i will ALWAYS stand up for her, always.

anyways, have to go as shes hovering wanting to go out, maybe i can grab a hot chocolate or something while im out with the brat-for-hire.LOL >D inside joke tween us too. >XD

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broken_envy
Part one....


I am who i am and I have made mistakes.

I dont ask for forgiveness, nor i want it. sentence me all you want, but i just want to have a life.

From the ashed of my Paste self, i will rise again and i will be stronger.


yes, i have made mistakes, and yes, i am hurt, but i do not hate you. it is not in my nature to be hatefull.

yes, i can be spitefull, but not allways, i would rather forgive and forget than dweel on the past. i belive in karma and what you give is what you get.

i know that i havent been the best at all, and for that, i am truely and utterly soory.

there is nothing that i can do or say to make you change your minds, of that i know.

so im just going to try and move on. i have to. i cant sweel in the past, i cant let Her have her way. i cant let it bee known that my mind is fucked up.. that im not who i seem to be.

yes, that right, i dont want it known, but im telling it. im teeling thruth now. im stick of trying to be nice to everyone. im sick of hiding behind myself.

my name is Emma. and i have a secert that i dont like.

i am..... i am Mulitpull personality disordered, i am passive agressive and i have Aspergers syndrom.

i have one side of me that i fear, and that is Zhao. i am awaer of what she does, but i am not/ i cant stop her from being what she is. i dont like her, but she is part of me,. and she is not.

it is hard to explain, so i will link you to here in hopes that i might hel you understand.

i have more in me as well.... i have Kitty, Cassidy and i have Zora. all who are parts of me that have spilited off from the real me. myself.

for those that i have steeped on ther toes. i am sorry. i am sorry that i ever did that. i, Emma, having nothing but respect for you. i am my self and i do share a computer at times with my sister. yes, i do rant and rave to her about things, but i dont ever ask her to go, and flame artists that i respect. she does that on her own and when i find out, im horiified. i am presoanlly horridifyed that its happened. and i dont understand what is going on in her head. maybe its just some thing to try and protect me, but its backfrieng on me. i am.... i dont need protection from her, nor do i want it this time.

i can look after myself.

hah, just a joke really. i cant. i cant even look after myself and protect me from the night mares.

night mares of Him.

DamienA - shit i cant type his name. but he is the one that hurt me. hes mental fucked withj my mind. he hurt me so baddly that i have scres on the inside that can never heal.

he turned me against myself, against what i stood for and what i cared for. i was NOTHING but a pet to him, ro break and belittel and to lead around like a dog. he knew that i was in love with the idea of vampires,. so he used that against me.

the first week or two was fine, but then... thing started to change. he wouldnt be there, and when he was, it was just for his pleasure, his pleasure. he his fucking pleasure only.

buti stayed, as i thought that he could change, that he was just having a bad time in IRL. by the time that i relised that it wasnt.....

i was to far wraped up in his charms to even know.

oh other saw it. they tryed to get me to leave him, but i was turned against them, and, to my regret, and my shame.... i slandered them, just for Damien's pleasure. i lied for Him. i did EVERTHYTHING! ever fucking thing that i could for him. i wecamed for him, i endured the most brutal and detailed cyber rapes - each one more fucking detailed after the other. rapes that haunt me.

he..... he had me.... he had me play a child of FIVE years old once, just to satify is fucking perverseness. he.... he had me play that child, just so that he could rape them. i hated it. i didnt like it but i did it for him. why?

i was.... i was in love with him. i was in love with him and i was blind to his faults.

i was dragged thur heal and back and it hurts still. i was scared and i am still am.

i.... i regrete that it happened and i wish that i could was the pain and the shame away, but i cant.

so im telling you all this now. why?

as it needs to be told.

i have to get it off my chest.


i cant cry any more as ive cryed myself out now. i cant cryy as im numb inside, still very much broken.

i might RP mindfucks and rapes and other shit, but io am always scared of it, yet i hold my head high and i do my best. i use RPing as a form of threrpy.

yes, not the smartest thing to do, but,... it helps me.

Stay tuned for part two when i can write it dow and arnt saking that much... and ill post up the vidoes as well with the last one.

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So, broken_Envy, your LiveJournal reveals...



You are... 0% unique and 16% herdlike (partly because you, like everyone else, enjoy yaoi). When it comes to friends you are normal. In terms of the way you relate to people, you are keen to please. Your writing style (based on a recent public entry) is conventional.

Your overall weirdness is: 42

(The average level of weirdness is: 27.
You are weirder than 83% of other LJers.)


Find out what your weirdness level is!

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